Andy Kindler's Hot Off The Shtick

Labor Day Is A State Of Mind Or Something Along Those Lines

Happy Labor Day!!!  Did the three exclamation points raise the excitement level of that opening sentence?  How about that question mark I placed at the end of the last sentence?  I am so tired of grammatical correctness.

Labor Day is my favorite holiday of all the holidays I don’t celebrate.  I’m self employed, so I always take Monday off anyway.  It helps me prepare to sleep walk through Tuesday.  On Labor Day when I’m doing nothing at least I can pretend to be observing something.

Labor Day is a scam.  The department stores and the Masons started it. Somehow the Kiwanis Club was involved. Maybe I don’t have my facts straight, or coherent.  Can you think of one great Labor Day themed movie?  I rest my case.  Why don’t you get off my case, so it doesn’t get so exhausted that I need to rest it?

When I say Labor Day is a state of mind or something along those lines, it’s not just a bland assertion.  It’s not just a cliche.  Been there, done that.  Talk to the hand.  Bargain with your foot.  Same old same old.  Think of Labor Day as a brand.  See?  Now it’s a brand.  Act accordingly.

September is shaping up to be a shapely month.  Remember that thirty days hast September.  This is true about April June and November.  Then look up the word hast and bore yourself to tears.  Of course it’s the archaic second person singular present of have.  You don’t have to tell me that.  I just looked it up. 

Hey kids, it’s back to school time.  Eat your heart out.  I don’t go to school anymore.  I never have to take a test again for the rest of life.  As far as I’m concerned SAT is the abbreviation for Saturday, and every day is Saturday when you’re not in school.  So I guess I’m saying I’m better than you because I’m an adult.  On the down side, each day my body decays further.

Later this month I will make a triumphant return to the Punchline in San Francisco.  By triumphant I mean someone dropped out and I was booked last minute.  Ant was unavailable, so I got the call.  The dates are Thursday, September 27 through Saturday, September 29.  Howard Kremer will be on the show as well, and he is a funny man. 

Keep checking this website hourly for exciting updates and late breaking news.  After three hours you will realize that you have been had.

Love,
Andy Kindler 

South by Southwest on American Airlines

This week I will be in Austin, Texas.  The whole town is talking about it.  That’s a lie, but it’s nice to think that way.  I will be appearing Tuesday, July 31 through Saturday, August 4 at Cap City Comedy Club.

So lasso up the Western puns and join me for this Rootin’ Tootin’ Joke Shootin’ Line Dance of Comedy Hoedown.  That last sentence confused me.  The weather should be perfect.  Who’s up for some humidity?  How about humility?  This experience should be humbling for all concerned.  Does that work for you?

I plan a lot of surprises for this engagement.  For example I have added punch lines to all my jokes.  If you liked me when my observations seemed to go nowhere, you will love my new punch lines method of joke telling.

So it’s shaping up to be quite a month.  Well, so far all I got is this Austin thing, but who needs anything else?  Plus all month I’ll be shaping up with my new exercise regimen, which includes getting out of bed, and bending over to pick up my socks from the night before.  Remember to breathe.  Don’t count on me to remind you.

Tangentially yours,
Andy Kindler

The Summer Of Self Promotion

This Friday, June 29, at midnight, I will be hosting "Live At Gotham" on Comedy Central.  That's the time period I demanded.  They tried to talk me into prime time but I wouldn't budge. I compromised by agreeing to 11 PM Central.

"Live At Gotham" does not mean it is being taped Friday.  Lets not kid ourselves, and if we do, lets at least be upfront about it.  I am sick of people kidding themselves behind my back. The point is this show was live when it was recorded.  I host the show, and then I introduce other comedians, who take it from there.

Do some detective work and figure out where Comedy Central is located in your area.  In my neighborhood it's channel 62 if that helps, and I know it doesn't.

If you're reading this after Friday, I bet you're wondering what else I have on the docket, or coming down the pike.  If you are on the pike, expect delays.  In July I will be performing at the Montreal Just For Laughs Festival.  Why not renew your passport and join me?

I will report and embellish more events as they develop.

Love,
Andy Kindler

North by Northwest Airlines

This week it's off to Acme Comedy Company in Minneapolis Minnesota where I am a beloved regional treasure.  I arrive Tuesday, June 5 to no fanfare.  Maybe the airport will pipe in some music, but that's it. Then the mayor will meet me by the taxi stand where I will be given the ceremonial map of the city.  If not, when I get to the hotel, someone at the front desk will be happy to help me if I have proper identification, like a valid driver's license, or current library card. There will probably be a parade, and I will be presented the ceremonial key to my hotel room.

Actually it's a plastic card that you insert and remove.  Am I right ladies?  When it doesn't work I will head to the front desk to have it replaced by another card that won't work.  Then I will be given a third card and instructed to keep it away from cell phones, credit cards, wallets, pants, pockets, skin, hands, and other humans.

When will I be on TV next, you don't ask?  Friday, June 29 I will be hosting "Live at Gotham" on Comedy Central. Here's a link that provides enough information  to choke a horse: http://www.myspace.com/liveatgotham.  Or go here and noodle around: http://www.comedycentral.com

That is all for now.  Check this website  periodically for further shtick.

Love,
Andy Kindler

Secret Spring

The "Secret" is out.  It's a book, a DVD, and soon will be available as a meal replacement bar.  Everyone is talking about it, usually in a derisive manner.  Oprah endorsed it for a couple of days before back pedaling.   Soon I will be releasing the Comedy Secret.  Do you want to be a world famous comedian?  Just close your eyes and say over and over to yourself:  "I’m hilarious.  I’m hilarious."  Now visualize yourself performing your act in front of thousands of people in an inappropriately huge stadium. The crowd is laughing uncontrollably and slapping their knees.  You must have just told a knee slapper.  Now write yourself a check for ten million dollars and stick it in your pocket.  Don’t cash it yet.  You don’t have sufficient funds.  Then go enter a "Last Comic Standing" type contest, and wait for the money to pour in.  If it doesn’t pour in, give up.   

When it comes to where I will be appearing live, the public has a right to know. Friday, April 6, and Saturday, April 7, I will be performing at Comix Comedy Club in New York.  Wednesday, April 11, through Saturday, April 14, I will be in Philadelphia at Helium Comedy Club.

That is all for now.

Love,
Andy

March Already

Hi friends.  It’s March already.  Can you believe it?  Just yesterday it seemed like February 28.  If the Roman Calendar is so great, why is one month out of whack?  If the Romans were so fantastic, they would still be in charge.  Obviously I know nothing about calendars or history or anything, but that doesn’t stop me. 

Things are really picking up.  I sold all of my winter inventory, and am getting ready for the spring line.  My chain of fast food cold cereal restaurants are spreading like things that spread. Stay tuned for more fake announcements.  If you can’t stay tuned, join the club.  The out of tune club. 

Well, it’s the third paragraph already, and I have engaged in nothing but word play, and it’s not good word play.  More like word work.  This month things will kick into low gear when I host Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” March 9th at Gotham Comedy Club in New York City.  Go to Comedy Central dot something and noodle around for tickets.

That is all for now.  Actually there is more, but I’m sleepy.  Get off my back. 

Yours in humour (British spelling),
Andy Kindler

Happy New Year

Dear In the Headlights:

Remember me?  I don't.  Can you believe it's 2007 already?  Why would you disbelieve it?  It seems like just about nineteen days ago it was 2006.  And why not, I say, when I have nothing else to add.  I'm just making conversation, and not necessarily high quality conversation.  It's not even conversation, technically, or figuratively.   

January is a big month for me.  Of course I'm over selling it, but I do have some stuff on the docket.  Don't get me started on the word docket.  Okay, get me started, but then stop me abruptly.

Tonight, Friday, January 19, at 11:35 PM on CBS, I will be appearing on the Late Show With David Letterman.

Then, as if by magic without the magic part, I will be appearing the same night, January 19, and Saturday, January 20, at the Arlington Cinema and Draft House  near or around Washington, DC.

When will I be in Indianapolis, you don't ask?  Wednesday, January 24, through, Saturday, January 27, I will be performing at Morty's Comedy Joint.

That is all for now.  Hey that's my new catch phrase.  That is all for now. Hey, it's not catchy.

Love,
Andy Kindler

Fall Backward Or Forward

Well it’s that time of year again.  You can’t argue with that statement.  It’s always that time of year.  What time of year is it when it’s not that time of year?  Don’t try to figure it out with your puny Western mind.   It’s like a Zen koan, without the mystery or depth.  Or anything.  Stop it with the constant thinking already.  Go beyond reason to unreasonable.  I am influenced by North Eastern Philosophy.    What is the sound of one hand clapping?  Muffled.   

Soon it will be time to adjust your clock, if you know what I mean.  I don’t.  Fall behind, spring ahead. You can also fall forward, like head first down an escalator.  Sometimes I drop like a ton of bricks, especially when I am transporting a large amount of bricks without a wheel barrel. 

I think you get my point.  I have nothing to say.  Nevertheless, this week I will be appearing at the Punchline comedy club in San Francisco.  For those of you who insist on specifics, the dates are Tuesday, October 10, through Saturday, October 14.  Go to http://www.punchlinecomedyclub.com and click it out.

Love,
Andy Kindler

Summer Savings

Well, it’s July, and you know what that means?  Then tell me, because I’m stumped.  I would love to come up with a new summer slogan that takes off.  Like “hot fun in the summertime,” but even hotter.  How about:  “See you at the beach!” Or:  “Its Sunblock Time!”

Hope you had a great Fourth of July.  I know I didn’t.  There's nothing more fun than hiding under the bed in your apartment trying to figure out what just exploded.   This year we celebrate our country's independence at the expense of the rest of the world.  We are free to have a hot dog, drive a Hummer, and unilaterally invade any country that looks at us funny.  And we look forward to spreading that freedom to all nations willing to play ball with us. We are a nation of dreamers.  For example we can all dream about buying a home one day.  Remember it’s just a dream.  It literally can’t happen.

Now for a popular new segment: “Career News.”  In less than two weeks I will be at the “Just For Laughs Festival” in Montreal.  Why not obtain a phony passport, load up the contraband, and head north.  This concludes: “Career News”

Love,
Andy Kindler

To No One In Particular - May 2006

Dear Family, Friends and People Who Cringe At the Sound Of My Name,

I am currently in Minneapolis at the Acme Comedy Co.  Go to the appropriate web address, click on the thing that looks like it should be clicked, and get all the details.  Then use some kind of search motor to obtain an Internet style map that gives you directions.  It's fun, affordable, and user friendly, not to mention fun.  Say you live in New Jersey.  Loudly. Say it right now to no one in particular.  The map directions will instruct you to exit your kitchen and turn left.  Go .000002 miles to reach the foyer.  Now say vestibule, but not out loud.  Walk .0000004 miles to your car.  Turn left on such and such a street.  Right on Whozywhatsit Avenue.  Now get on Interstate 80, real slow like.  Travel 2752 miles to Minnesota.   Drive the speed limit and nobody gets hurt.  Stop at a 7-11 and/or Quickie Mart (am I right ladies)? and ask for directions to the Acme Comedy Club.

That is all for now.   

Love,
Andy Kindler