Andy Kindler's Hot Off The Shtick

Stand-Up Snowbird

Did that title get your attention? If it did, your attention must be starved for attention.

Who wants to fly, drive, walk, take a train, hop on a bus, wave down a taxi, mosey, and/or saunter down to Tampa Florida, on Saturday, February 28 to see me, Andy Kindler, perform at Florida State University? Anyone? Why do I think someone is going to respond.

It's all part of Andy Kindler's 2009 Kollege Tour. This is the only date so far on the tour. Keep checking back here for updates, even if there aren't any.

On March 19, I will be in Austin,Texas during the annual South by Southwest Music Festival, trying to squeeze in some comedy between bands at the Found Magazine/Quackmedia SXSW Day Party @ Red 7.

Look for me in March on the Late Show with David Letterman. If you don't see me, there has been some kind of a mix-up.

Love,
Andy Kindler

JanuWEARY

I'm thrilled yet exhausted from watching all the inaugural festivities on TV. Getting my hopes up is tiring. Yes I can, and I will, after I take a nap.

Why not start off the new year right? Do nothing for the first 29 days. Then fly, drive, or walk to San Francisco to see me perform at SF Sketchfest.

I will be appearing at Penguin's Comedy Club in Davenport, Iowa March 5-7. Buy your tickets now. Then move to the Quad Cities in late February.

I made only one New Year's Resolution. Thus far I have not been able to develop any super powers that I am aware of, except the ability to quickly get on people's nerves. I can name a super power if that helps. China?

That's all for now. If you want a transcript of this "shtick," feel free to copy and paste.

Love,
Andy Kindler

YESvember

Hooray! It's morning in America. For real this time. When Ronald Reagan said it, he was only kidding.

Celebrate the election of Mr. Barack Obama this weekend by driving to Cedar Rapids, Iowa to catch my appearances at Penguin's Comedy Club.

Later this month I will be in Washington DC to play the Drafthouse circuit.  It's like the Catskills at a Drafthouse! I don't know what I'm talking about.

If none of these dates work, I strongly encourage you to be a part of my triumphant return (without appendix) to Comix in Manhattan, New York. When I say "be a part of" I mean buy tickets, drink, eat, and tip me after the show.

That is all for now. Check back at andykindler.com for updates and special offers, and be bitterly disappointed by the absence of both.

Love,
Andy Kindler

October Surprise

I have election fever. So does John McCain. Maybe he should take an anti-inflammatory. Get it? Whenever I tag something with "get it," you can rest assured there's nothing to get. I wish I could rest assured, or at least take a poised nap.

I am voting for Obama for President. There. I said it. Or wrote it.  Deal with it. Deal with it, or no deal with it. I am confident  this election will go my way. Trust me. I've never been right. I just hope there is no October surprise. That would be terrible. I hate October surprises. On the other hand, I love Oktoberfest. Who knows how to party better than the Germans, besides everybody?

By the time you read this, I will have already appeared at Acme Comedy Company in Minneapolis.  Get in your time machine, and check it out.

Don't forget to rock the vote. However, under no circumstances, should you rock the boat. Or tip the boat over.

That is all for now. If there was more, I would add it here.

Love,
Andy Kindler

Summer Summary

Where did the time go? What happened to July? Did I miss a memo, specifically the one announcing the arrival of August? Soon it will be September, which hast thirty days, along with April, June, and November.  I use the word hast often. I'm proud to live in a country that hast a word for the archaic second person singular of the word have.

That first paragraph was just filler. I pay myself by the word. It's a tax thing, like a shelter, but more shady. Maybe this isn't the best forum to talk about my finances. I am currently involved in some pyramid schemes. One scenario involves me distracting the guards with one liners, while a friend driving a fork lift steals a pyramid. What a scheme! Once I used a fork lift to lift a fork. It's not as easy as it sounds, but exactly as stupid as it sounds.

Lets dispense with the unpleasantries and get right to the self promotion. On Wednesday, August 20, at 10:30 PM, I will be appearing on a new episode of Lewis Black's Root of All Evil, on Comedy Central. If you are reading this after August 20, try to find a repeat. If that doesn't work, give up.

What else is in the news? I wish Brian Williams would open with that every night. There's so much going on I don't know where to start. I'm really looking forward to ______________! It's shaping up to be quite an event.

If you're planning to spend the day at andykindler.com, why not visit our popular Event Planning page? Enjoy a complimentary virtual soft drink. Voted #1 thing to click on by Website Magazine.

Love,
Andy Kindler

This Is a Shtick Up-Date

The above title is a pun, or play on words, if you prefer.  Some may call it a quip, or witticism, without the wit part. Bon mot anyone? I took the expression "this is a stick up" and ran with it.  Many people say puns are the lowest form of humor, not counting Dane Cook. Those people are correct. Is Dane Cook still a current reference?  Insert Larry the Cable Guy if that makes you feel better. That last sentence doesn't sound right.

Wednesday, May 7, at 11:35 PM on CBS, I will be appearing on the Late Show with David Letterman. Please watch.  I implore you. When was the last time you were implored? I was just recently beseeched. What would I do without my online thesaurus?  I would be lost. Adrift.  At sea, and also astray.

Starting Sunday, May 11, the Stand Uppity tour begins. It's finally here. Everyone is talking about it, especially Marc Maron and Eugene Mirman, the other comics on the tour.  Now it's your turn to make a difference.  Sure you do a lot already.  You text your vote for American Idol, and participate in CNN viewer polls.  That's great. Why not really change the world and buy tickets to see a comedy show? Quit your job, rent a van and catch all nine shows. For tickets, info, or information go here:
http://www.236.com/standuppity. Also, if this Shtick-Up-Date hasn't soured you on my writing, I have a blog you can read on the 23/6 website.  When you go to the above mentioned link, click on The Room at the top of the page and then scroll down until you get mouse elbow, and enjoy.

Love,
Andy Kindler

I Hate Keeping In Touch

Lets face it.  This communicating via words in written form with sentences and everything is just not working out as I planned.  Plus it doesn't pay anything.  I get nothing for this.  Do you see any banner ads on this website?  In fact this whole website thing is not all it's cracked up to be.  I haven't made a dime on it.  I actually have to pay to keep this charade chugging along.  I don't know what I would do if I got any real traffic.  Or hits.  Or whatever they call it.  I might have to get a server or a hostess or an external fire wire hard drive thingy.  I don't even know what I'm talking about.

But enough complaining.  For now.  I will complain again real soon.  All you need to know is that I am still in the "business," whatever that word means.  Also I will be appearing at Comix Comedy Club in New York City this Friday, April 11, and Saturday, April 12.  I probably shouldn't have capitalized the words comedy and club in that last sentence.  See how annoying this process is?  Now I'm back to complaining.

In May I will be embarking (who still uses that word?) on a big time comedy tour called Stand Uppity with comedians Eugene Mirman and Marc Maron.  We even have a sponsor.  23/6.  Eat your heart out.

That's all for now.  Boy was this fun.  I'm so glad I was able to "touch base." 

Love,
Andy Kindler

February Made Me Shiver

Nothing like a Don McLean reference to get this shtick off to a great start, as in hey, you start-led me with your obscure reference.  The previous sentence might contain word play, but I'm not playing.  I'm serious.  Serious as a heart attack, which is the standard (and poor) answer to how serious are you?

There's so much not going on in my career I don't know where to stop.  But that's not what this is about.  You don't come to this website for career updates.  You don't come here at all, unless you were looking for the professional wrestling guy who has the same name as me, and stumbled here by mistake.  I wish I was the other Andy Kindler, just so I wouldn't have to keep reading his credits on my IMDB page and getting agitated.  Plus that's all I really need to round out my career.  "You may recognize our next comedian as Jamison from the World Wrestling Federation.  He wasn't Jamison from the World Wrestling Federation but feel free to recognize him that way.  Or don't recognize him.  Watch his comedy without identifying him."

Well, I guess that covers none of it.  Once again I was able to construct a series of words and sentences that convey no information.

Love,
Andy Kindler

Wishing You A Convivial Christmas And A Lackluster New Year

Hello Larry!

It's Holiday time, and boy am I not busy!  Here's a shopping tip: Avoid those long lines at the mall and do your blogging online this year.  So many exciting things to report, but not about me.  Today I send out my e-holiday cards.  Hope they arrive in time.  Next Friday night, December 21, I will be appearing at the Throckmorton Theatre in Mill Valley, California.  That's right over the Golden Gate Bridge nestled in lovely Marin County.  Yes I have an online tour guide.

Throckmorton rolls off the tongue like super glue.  If you attend you will get to hear my twenty year old Sausalito material.  How can you say no to that?  And if you do say no, I won't hear you, so it's no skin off my super-glued tongue. 

I would like to give a shout out to all my friends who enjoy yelling. 

Next year is shaping up to be quite a dud!  See how adding an exclamation point makes a negative statement seem exciting?!

Love and Peace,
Andy Kindler 

Reggaetober and Bossanovember

Dear Friends:

Thank you all for signing my petition pleading with the federal government to change Rocktober to Reggaetober.  Because of your efforts, we made a difference.  What’s more important?  Fighting global warming, or changing monikers?  The question is both rhetorical and confusing.  We must apply the same discipline and drive to changing the name of November to Bossanovember.  Won’t you help?  Lets do something.  If you are at all nervous about Iran and their nuclear thingy, and take whatever George W. Bush says at face value, get behind Bossanovember.  If you were unaware that there is a World Series even when you are watching the World Series, and enjoy hearing Dane Cook say the name Manny Ramirez, then join me, won’t you?  For just pennies a day you can buy a package of mints after a few days.

My new operating system is complete and available only to Andy Kindler Fan Klub members.  Whether you operate Windows, or prefer the Stairs, Andy Kindler 10.5.555 is right for you.  Sign up now and get twenty percent off.

Today’s viewer poll question.  Are you outraged?  The answer to yesterday’s quiz question was yes. 

Love,
Andy Kindler